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Hope you read it, am

Tonight, I accidentally caught my little brother smoking cigarettes.

It started when I go to his room all of sudden to get a USB cable but didn't let him know that I was about to come. Then after I arrived there, I saw him smoking and turned his back right away so he could put down the cigarettes. I was a little shocked, because I knew that he had ever a cigarettes before, but all this time he always told me that he's not doing that anymore, that he already stopped. But still used the pods, tho. I put my trust in him, and at that time I was very grateful that my brother listened to me, and that he was able to avoid that while his surroundings were some people who were into smoking as well.

But tonight the trust that I already put on him has already broken. I do understand that this is his life that I can't control, and he is able to make his own choices. Furthermore, it isn't even something that is forbidden in our beliefs. But despite all those things, I just want him to be healthy. I know how bad cigarettes could affect someone's health in the future. I just don't want that to happen to my brothers. Is that too much to ask?:'(

But again, I'm not a perfect person myself so I think I don't have the right to judge him. It's just I feel a little disappointed in the trust I already put in him. But it's okay though, so I'll let him decide now, what I can do for now is just pray to god that maybe one day my brothers will slowly lower their smoking frequency and finally stop and realize that they could make a better decision to stop for their body to become healthier.

He was feeling guilty because after I caught him, I left his room without even saying anything and with a different facial expression. Afterward, he clarified everything, explaining that what I saw that he was smoking was valid. He also expressed his guilty feelings that I often called him with good nicknames which means he was an obedient person. He apologized and said that he didn't expect that this would happen. He told me that he didn't wanna let me and mom know that he was smoking, even begging me not to say it to mom. 

I said to him maybe it wasn't my part to forbid him about these things. But he said it is also my part to forbid him because I am one of his family members. I actually really appreciate the time he took to explain everything, even though it was raining while he was outside, and held my hand and said sorry, he also didn't wanna leave before I accepted his apology. But It was also messed up in my head that I had so many things running around my head at that time, so I couldn't even fix my facial expression for a while, so I just said, yeah it's okay what am I supposed to do, and I'm not mad.

That's pretty much it, yeah I am not mad right now... But I still need to process all that in my head knowing that I don't wanna add another reason for me to have more trust issues in someone.


09.25.24

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